


Dear Eiji,

by ubu_rien



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Goodbye, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:07:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29085849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ubu_rien/pseuds/ubu_rien
Summary: What if while dying in the library, Ash decided to write a letter to Eiji.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 8
Kudos: 36





	Dear Eiji,

Dear Eiji,  
I am okay. I can only hope that you will be too. 

I remember the first time we met. You asked me if you could hold my gun. I was going to say no. But, the curiosity that shined brightly in your eyes made it so I couldn't help but say yes. 

I handed it to you, and for a moment, I was jealous; jealous at how innocent you were. 

It was a selfish thought, I know. I would never wish my life on anyone, especially not you, Eiji. 

I hate selfish people. They are the same people who create the difference between my world and yours. Who made it so learning how to use a gun is the only way for some to survive. I told myself that I would never be like them: I would never be selfish. But when it came to you, I could not help it. 

You mean more to me than anyone on the face of this Earth. You are the first person to ever look at me and see something more than a demon, an animal, a sex doll. You saw me as a human. You looked past my flaws, my history, and saw me as a friend. I can never thank you enough for that. 

So, I was selfish. I wanted you to stay here in America, even though I knew how much danger you were in, just being near me. I would have done anything to protect you, anything. I wanted so badly for you to keep your innocence and stay with me, but you can't get everything you want, and selfishly I wished for you to stay with me no matter how horrifying America was. 

You were my weakness. I knew that people would use you to get to me, but I couldn't let you go. When I was near you, I finally felt hopeful of the future. That maybe fate was not against me. When I was with you, I believed that I could still be happy. 

You were the light of my life; you showed me that for once, everything would be okay. 

You know, I have never believed in God, but when I met you, I almost hoped he did exist. So that he could hear me selfishly begging that you would not leave. I would have done anything if it meant you would stay by my side. I would put a gun to my head if it meant I could spend the rest of my life with you. 

When you got shot, I realized how blinded by greed I had been. The last thing I had wanted was for you to get hurt. But you did. And it is my fault for letting you get too close to me. Just as selfishness does, it hurts everyone around me. 

That's why I never came and said goodbye. I wanted your ties to my world of suffering cut, so you could go back and live a safe and peaceful life. I wished that you would never be near a gun again, that you would never fear getting shot. I knew I had to stop being selfish. 

It hurt. So much, it squeezed my heart just thinking I would never be able to see you again, never get to go and visit Japan with you. But I knew it was the way it had to be. Even though it hurt, the thought of you being safe and sound back in Japan, away from all of the violence, made me happy. 

Originally, I wasn't going to write this letter at all. I just wanted you to move on. It is selfish of me to keep trying to drag you back into my hell on Earth. But then Sing gave me your letter, and everything inside me broke. 

Looking at that plane ticket, all the happy memories we had come rushing back. All the times we ate together, the times you comforted me, the Halloween party, everything. No matter how much I told myself it was in your best interest, I couldn't help but be selfish again. I was not ready to give up the only good thing in my life, so I ran. I ran to you, Eiji. I ran to happiness. I ran to our future.

I'm not sure what I expected. Life has never played in my favour: I should have seen this coming. I lose everyone dear to me. Why did I hope for any other outcome? It was stupid of me to think I would make it, but I never seem to think straight when it comes to you. 

I'm at the library. While I die, I want to be in a calming place. Somewhere we spent time together. Being here makes me feel like in my final moments, you are still with me.

As I read your letter, I cannot help but feel happy. Your love shined through your words, and once again, I could smile and actually mean it. 

I want you to know that I died the happiest man on Earth, and it is all thanks to you. All thanks to your love. 

I wrote this letter for you so that maybe, even in my death, you could feel my love for you, Eiji.

I know you. I know how you will take the news of my death, but please do not let it stop you from living. I am going to be selfish one last time and ask you to do something. Live your life to the fullest, not only for yourself but for me as well. 

This is not a goodbye for the rest of eternity.  
It’s only for a little while until we’re reunited once again.  
So, sayonara Eiji. 

Remember,  
Even in death, you’re not alone. I’m by your side.  
My soul will always be with you.

-Ash Lynx


End file.
